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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662000">Journey</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshwinMeird/pseuds/AshwinMeird'>AshwinMeird</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Absent John, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bisexual Dean, Dean Winchester Gets Help, Dean Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Divorced John and Mary, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, I'm Sorry, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Post-High School, Reunion, Shipper Charlie, Shipper Sam, Unrequited Love, this is actually really sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:16:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshwinMeird/pseuds/AshwinMeird</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean, since meeting Cas four years ago as freshmen, is finally ready to tell Cas how he really feels by asking him to a dance.</p>
<p>But he's he too late, Cas has moved on without even realizing what he is moving on from.</p>
<p>This is not a happy fic overall.  It has a happy ending, but that doesn't make it a happy story.  Mature rating is for descriptions of a panic attack and overall unhappy themes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Anna Milton, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Edge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was not meant to be this sad (or this long).</p>
<p>I was in a bad place when I wrote this, it derives heavily from some of the shitty things I've experienced so it's very sad.  That's your warning to please not read if you are trying to find something happy/fluffy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To say that Dean was crushing on his best friend was the biggest understatement since… well ever.</p>
<p>Dean and Castiel, who soon became Cas, had been best friends since they graduated to the same high school four years ago.  Hell, it was almost five by now.</p>
<p>Cas was assigned to be partnered with Dean on a science project back in freshman year by Mrs Harvelle (whom Dean had assumed he was now forever indebted to).  Dean hadn’t been Cas’ biggest fan in the beginning, actually actively going against whatever Cas suggested for the project, but one night Dean was too tired from playing video games with Charlie the night before to be a stubborn asshole and he actually got to know Cas.</p>
<p>A decision he had not regretted until now.</p>
<p>Dean always knew Cas was hot, even before he fell way too hard for his best friend, it just took everybody else a minute to catch up.  Cas dropped the nerd glasses back in sophomore year, now anyone could properly appreciate his glowing blue eyes.  Cas’ dark tossled hair had never gotten less post-sex looking, he stood almost as tall as Dean, he filled out especially well over the last summer and started wearing properly fitted clothes that that accented his toned body and runners thighs in a way that made Dean’s mouth water.</p>
<p>Maybe Dean wasn’t the best at describing it, but Castiel Novak was the sole star of all of Dean’s recent fantasies.</p>
<p>Dean had finally decided that he would just confess to Cas, it hadn’t been an easy process and Sam spent way too many nights walking Dean through not panicking about what Cas would say.</p>
<p>Sam, and Charlie, tried to convince Dean that Cas wouldn’t go running away screaming.  That maybe, just <i>maybe,</i> it would work out.</p>
<p>Dean should know by now to never get his hopes up.</p>
<p>It was mid January, the winter dance was on Dean’s 18th birthday and Dean wanted to ask Cas out once and for all.  So what better way to ask his (literally not figuratively) hopeless romantic out than to the second biggest dance of the school year.</p>
<p>Sam and Charlie had spent a majority of Post-Christmas-Christmas Break helping Dean plan the best way to ask Cas.  </p>
<p>Dean wasn’t overly romantic, he detested a lot of sappy things couples tend to do (even if he was known to allow himself to divulge into a romcom every once and awhile, in secret, mind you), but he still wanted to make it special for Cas.  Especially if he actually said yes and they became an actual <i>thing.</i></p>
<p>The plan was simple:</p>
<ol>
<li>Be extra nice to him that day (<i>You can be kind of an ass sometimes- Charlie</i>)</li>
<li>Bring Cas to a secluded spot, somewhere special (<i>You know he doesn’t like doing things in front of crowd- Charlie</i>)</li>
<li>Bring food (<i>Not just pie- Sam</i>) </li>
<li>Bring a flower (<i>Grape Hyacinth or Aster- Sam</i>)</li>
<li>Ask him, be nice about it because he would never intentionally hurt you (<i>Don’t just ask like you know he’ll say no- Charlie</i>)</li>
</ol>
<p>It was a Thursday, eight days before the dance, when Dean decided to put his plan into action most people already had dates.</p>
<p>When he woke up that morning he passed over his usually fraying jeans and band t-shirts for his one nice pain of black jeans and a fitted grey henley with one of his dad’s old leather jackets.</p>
<p>Sam got a ride from Charlie, who got her license just a few months prior, that morning so Dean could have some alone time with his best friend.</p>
<p>“Hey, Cas,”  Dean said smiling softly as he watched Cas climb into the passenger seat of the Impala, because he looked like he belonged there.  He damn well did in Dean’s opinion.</p>
<p>“Hello, Dean,”  Cas said, his voice it’s usual octave lower due to it being morning, “Where is Sam?”</p>
<p>“He went with Charlie this morning, yanno to talk about nerd stuff.”  Dean hated lying to Cas, even if it was for a good reason.</p>
<p>For the rest of the car ride they fell back into the routine of comfortable silence and inside jokes.  When they arrived at the high school Dean was feeling more confident than ever about his plans for that evening. </p>
<p>He didn’t see Cas for the rest of the day; that wasn’t unusual, Cas had a penchant for holding himself up somewheres in a book during school.  One time he had even been reading a book on the school’s roof.</p>
<p>What can Dean say, Castiel was his own person.  Not a lot of people, mostly just Dean, actually understand him, but it works for them.</p>
<p>When the bell rang at the end of the day, Dean made his way to the library.  Thursday’s meant Sam had his junior mathletes meeting and Cas had debate.  No one in his grade, except Cas, knew that Dean spent his time in the library when he was waiting to take Sam and Cas home.</p>
<p>People had their own opinions of Dean, a rumor started sometime during their Sophomore year that Dean was something of a playboy.  Most people believed them, even Sam and Charlie to some extent, but Cas didn’t… probably because he was the person Dean was with when the rumors take place.</p>
<p>They were started by a girl names Anna Milton, she had flirted with Dean for the majority of first semester that year but he turned her down due to a mild gay panic (well a bi panic) and realizing his feelings for his best friend were not exactly platonic.  So she started talking to her friends about all the times they met up in secret until he ‘broke it off’ with her for some other girl.  Since then most of the cheerleaders and several other girls around his grade have ‘slept’ with him, so even if he was interested in anything his reputation would gain him no favors.</p>
<p>He hasn’t even been on a date since a Halloween party in Sophomore year when he and Lisa Braeden decided they were better off as friends.</p>
<p>Dean watched the time closely, when four o’clock hit he reshelved Cat’s Cradle, and ran out to his car.  He made his way to the Roadhouse for Cas’ favorite burgers before meeting him back in the school parking lot.</p>
<p>He was standing beside Baby when he received a ‘good luck’ text from both Charlie and Sam who were driving over to Charlie’s for pizza.  At least he had there to go if this all blew up in his face…</p>
<p>“Hello, Dean.”</p>
<p>The same two word greeting that had brought a smile to Dean’s face almost every day for the last four years.</p>
<p>“Heya, Cas,”  Dean said back, beaming.</p>
<p>They each got in the car, before Cas asked, “Why does it smell like burgers in here?”</p>
<p>Dean fought back a cringe, he forgot that you can smell food, but he was always quick on his feet.  “I grabbed us some supper, thought maybe we could go chill at The Clearing?”</p>
<p>“I thought Charlie named this a movie night, because there’s no school tomorrow and you don’t have to work?” </p>
<p>Dean had to look away from Cas, both to reverse out of the parking space and because Cas was doing his adorable head tilt that made Dean feel things.  “You misunderstood her, she’s continuing Sam’s movie education.  They’ve finally made it to the New Trilogy and you know I can’t watch them, and you don’t watch movies unless I force you too.”</p>
<p>Cas nodded.  “So why the clearing, if Sam’s not there and your parents are working, why not your house?”</p>
<p><i>‘Because as of six months ago I can no longer be alone in a house with you without jumping you,’</i> didn’t seem like an appropriate answer to the question.</p>
<p>“Wanted to switch it up, keep it interesting.  And it’s kind of our spot yanno?”  Dean replied.  That was actually why he chose this spot to do his confession. Cas brought him out here not long after they became friends, they spent long hours here over the past years talking about life and just <i>being</i> with one another.</p>
<p>Cas just nodded and before Dean knew it he was turning the Impala onto a pothole ridden dirt road.  </p>
<p>He stopped the car and motioned for Cas to get out.  Cas sat himself on the hood of Baby and Dean leaned against the grill.  </p>
<p>They ate their burgers in companionable and familiar silence.</p>
<p>Dean had the flower, the closet he could get to Cas’ eye color tucked inside his jacket.</p>
<p>“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever man,”  Dean said, “I mean, we were together this morning but you’ve just been studying for the exams so much and I’ve been working, it just feels like it.”</p>
<p>Cas smiled sadly.  “I know what you mean, we basically spent every day together.  But the past month things have just felt off with us.”</p>
<p>The past month?  No, Dean’s sure he’s only been acting weird for the last week at most.  There’s no way Cas noticed more than that.  Unless…</p>
<p>
  <i>Did Cas know?</i>
</p>
<p>“And I suppose that's partially my fault,”  Cas admitted, not looking at Dean.</p>
<p>
  <i>Wait what?</i>
</p>
<p>“I guess i should probably tell you something important, Dean.”</p>
<p>
  <i>Is it too soon for Dean to get his hopes up?</i>
</p>
<p>Cas was smiling widely, he looked happy, the type of happy he usually reserved for Dean.  “It’s just,”  Cas started, “I started seeing somebody.”</p>
<p>
  <i>No.  No no no no no.</i>
</p>
<p>“That’s great Cas.”  Dean’s voice held only minute traces of actual (forced) enthusiasm.</p>
<p>Cas remained oblivious of Dean’s suffering though.  “We’re actually partners in my psych class, I wasn’t sure anything was going to happen so I never mentioned it.  But she asked me out after we got back from the break.”</p>
<p>Some small part of Dean wanted to turn to Cas and yell at him for being so blind and then rubbing it in Dean’s face that Cas is not only straight but apparently taken.</p>
<p>The rest of him just wanted to cry.</p>
<p>“Who is it?”  Dean asked, trying for a smile.  He hoped it was at least one of the girls he could be civil with; Meg Masters and Hannah Grace had both tried flirting with Cas out before and Dean didn’t outright hate them.</p>
<p>But he knew who else was in that class.</p>
<p>Who had been bragging about having her psych projects done for her over the past couple months.</p>
<p>“It’s Anna Milton,”  Cas said with a bashful smile, “And I knew you two have a history, but I was hoping you could see past that.  I really like her, Dean.”</p>
<p>Vomit.  He knew that the second he opened his mouth he was going to vomit up the stupid burger he bought for his confession.</p>
<p>“Dean?”  Cas asked, his voice was expressionless, “I know she disclosed personal information about your relationship to our classmates but I assure you she has changed.”</p>
<p><i>No,</i> he thinks to himself, <i>you don’t know what she did.  Because you’re supposed to be the one person who knows it’s a lie.</i></p>
<p>The friendship he had with Cas hit a fork in the road; if he was supportive here he could continue to be Cas’ strictly platonic buddy and if he didn’t he would harm their friendship and hurt Cas needlessly.</p>
<p>“I know I don’t have as much relationship experience as you, Dean,”  Cas pleaded, “But can you just be happy for me? Please.”</p>
<p>For once he decided to be selfish.</p>
<p>“I think there was something up with my burger,”  Dean lied, staring directly ahead, “I’ll drop you off at your place.”</p>
<p>It was a shit excuse and an obvious lie, but as long as Dean didn’t see whatever hurt, pissed, or betrayed face Cas was making he could at least get him back to his house.</p>
<p>Cas didn’t say anything as Dean sat in the car and turned it on, he just sat.  Something felt wrong about seeing him in Baby now.</p>
<p>There was a tension between them that had never been there before, even back when they could barely have a civil conversation with one another.  It was palpable to the point where Dean was trying to breath as little as necessary in fear of being suffocated.</p>
<p>When Dean dropped Castiel off at his house, he did none of his usual teasing or excessively honking the horn just to annoy whichever other Novaks were home.</p>
<p>Dean lived less than a three minute drive from Cas.</p>
<p>The flower burned his side the whole time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Fall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>What happens in this chapter very closely resembles my experiences with panic attacks.  If you have something like this happen to you I recommend talking to someone about it, it doesn't have to be a professional just someone.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He haphazardly parked the Impala in his driveway.  He was crooked, he didn’t even have to look to notice.  He knew his dad would bitch about giving Dean a car he couldn’t even park goodnaturedly if he saw and his mother would sympathize with not being able to deal with such a large car, when in reality she could barely park her CRV.</p>
<p>The car felt empty.</p>
<p>His house feels empty.</p>
<p>He feels really freaking empty.</p>
<p>That’s his life without Cas: empty.</p>
<p>The front door, hall door, and his bedroom door all dully thumped behind him, when he knew that they slammed.</p>
<p>He lost his jacket somewheres in between the kitchen and living room, his boots in the hall, and his flannel made it to his bed.</p>
<p>He didn’t.</p>
<p>He wanted to understand that he was just over reacting; he could get over a boy not liking him.</p>
<p>But it wasn’t just anyone.  It was <i>Cas</i>; Cas who didn’t like him, Cas who is.... was Dean’s best friend, Cas who Dean loved so incomprehensibly that it <i>broke</i> him.</p>
<p>Cas who was no longer Cas.  He was Castiel; Castiel who lied to Dean, Castiel who wasn’t the one person who didn’t think Dean was a misogynistic playboy, Castiel who is dating the person that isolated Dean from being amicable with most of their classmates for the majority of high school.</p>
<p>His back hit the end of his bed when he made it to the floor.  It hurt, but what didn’t.</p>
<p>His legs were both sort of bent, one on the ground and the other had a knee right in front of his face.  He wrapped an arm around it, hugging himself.</p>
<p>He stared forward, but he couldn’t see anything.</p>
<p>Sounds were happening around him, but he couldn’t hear anything.</p>
<p>His whole body was shaking, tears only just started to run down his face but he failed to notice, anytime he tried to stop the shaking that body part would sting, or shake worse.</p>
<p>His lungs were burning.</p>
<p>In, catch, out.</p>
<p>In, catch, out.</p>
<p>In, catch, out.</p>
<p>His breathing wasn’t working right; that seemed problematic.</p>
<p><i>Sam</i>, thought his brain, and he twisted his arm backwards to grab his phone from his back pocket.  Twisting his back, even fractionally, made his shoulders and chest twitch and shake so he stopped.</p>
<p>His phone remained in his pocket, and he on the floor.</p>
<p>He just let his body shake, deciding to ride out whatever was happening to him.  There’s an Indiana Jones poster on his wall.  He focused on it; reading each letter individually, I-N-D-I-A-N-A J-O-N…, until he calmed.</p>
<p>His body slowly stopped shaking, and started and stopped.</p>
<p>His breathing slowly returned, worsening again when he tried to stop the tears.</p>
<p>The tears ran down his face freely, he decided to just keep crying forever.</p>
<p>Once the shaking stopped, he still hadn’t fully returned to his body.  Dean watched as he numbly stood up.  He grabbed the pocket lighter off of his dresser.</p>
<p>By the time he was in front of the mirror he had control over what little processing ability remained in his brain.  He pulled the flower out of the pocket and studied both it and the lighter.</p>
<p>He looked up into the mirror; eyes red, tears still streaking down his face, the lifeless teen staring back at him wearing his face.</p>
<p>He held the flower above the sink, looked at the blue color and remembered the last time he looked at something that blue.  When Castiel smiled at him before taking away Dean’s smile.</p>
<p>He lit the petals on fire.</p>
<p>When Sam calls Dean just stares at the phone like it offended him.  He lets the phone ring in his hand and looks blankly at the time.</p>
<p>
  <b>6:08pm</b>
</p>
<p>Two hours ago everything was different, and life hadn’t completely turned itself on it’s head.  Two hours ago Dean was getting burgers at his aunt's restaurant because they are Castiel’s favorite and he was driving back to the school to pick up his best friend for something that could change their relationship forever.</p>
<p>Their friendship definitely changed.</p>
<p>There was the sound of a door and footsteps from the main part of the house.</p>
<p>“Dean?”  He heard someone call.  It was Charlie, Dean knew she would be here soon.</p>
<p>When Charlie’s footsteps entered the bathroom, Dean had finished crying and sat with his back to the cabinet.</p>
<p>“Are you okay, Dean?”  She asked in a timid voice.</p>
<p>Charlie expected him to lash out.  It’s what he would normally do to get his anger out.  He’d yell, drive away dangerously, or one more than one occasion, go get shit-face drunk.</p>
<p>He had never, and would never, hurt someone out of anger but he had a temper similar to that of his father and would blow up every so often.</p>
<p>When Dean finally looked up at her, tears staining his face and eyes red, she melted in front of him.  Charlie dove down and wrapped herself around him in possibly one of the strangest bear hugs Dean had ever experienced.</p>
<p>She didn’t ask for the duration of the hug, nor when Sammy came in and joined them.  Charlie continued the silence through an awkward move to the living room couch, through her and Sam’s preparation of snacks, and through the first two Lord of the Rings movies.</p>
<p>Dean knew that his father was at the station until midnight for an overtime shift, but his mother should have been home over two hours ago.</p>
<p>“Charlie,”  Dean asked, his voice cracking due to the dryness of his throat, looking down at Charlie with her head on his lap and feet dangling over Sam’s at the other end of the couch.  “Where’s my mom?”</p>
<p>Charlie sat up and looked at him softly.  “She’s at my house.  We didn’t tell them why but I had my mom lure her in with baked goods and a quiet night.”</p>
<p>Dean smiled, it was small, barely more than a twist in the corner of his lip, nothing like the smile Castiel used to put on his face, but a smile nonetheless.  It felt good to smile; it let him feel slightly less broken, even if just for a second.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to call her?”  Sam asked and Dean nodded.</p>
<p>When Sam left the room to make the phone call Charlie looked like she was trying hard not to say anything, before, “I’m sorry Dean, I really thought it would work.”  Her voice was barely above a whisper, she looked so sad for him that Dean wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be okay.  </p>
<p>Because that’s what he did; Dean helped other people.  Not the other way around.</p>
<p>“It’s worse than that Char,”  He admitted.  She gave him an appalled face, so he continued, “I- I never even got to say anything, he started talking about how things were different between us over the past month.  Then he…”  Dean choked, his eyes watering slightly, “He said he’d been dating someone since Winter Break.”</p>
<p>The pained look on Charlie’s face mirrored the one on Dean’s.  “Who?”  She managed.</p>
<p>“Anna Milton.”</p>
<p>The pain changed to disgust on her face and she asked, “The one that… yanno?”</p>
<p>Dean nodded.</p>
<p>“It might still happen Dean, they won’t last very long they’re too different,”  Charlie offered.</p>
<p>“I want to,”  Dean said quietly, “I want so badly to just be his friend.  But I just can’t.  I know that it’s petty to let something like this come between us, but if I keep going along with it, I’ll break.  And I can’t break Charlie, I don’t want to break.”</p>
<p>Dean was never one to lay his heart out for everyone to see, but he prepared himself for one emotional conversation today and he might as well use it.</p>
<p>“You’re allowed to put your well being above other things,”  Charlie agreed, but she didn’t respond to what Dean said about Castiel.</p>
<p>She didn’t have to, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that this…</p>
<p>This was the end of Dean and Castiel.</p>
<p>His mom arrived home about fifteen minutes later and Dean let Sam and Charlie explain what happened.</p>
<p>Castiel didn’t reach out all weekend but Dean knew that he knew, from experience, not to try and contact Dean for a few days after he was really pissed.</p>
<p>Monday was different.  Dean didn’t pick out a shirt and idly wonder what Castiel would be wearing with a lewd smirk on his face, he woke up twenty minutes later since he didn’t have to pick Castiel up, he didn’t sit with him in class during first period (the only class they have together) instead he drifted to the back of the room beside Benny, one of the football guys that actually liked Dean.</p>
<p>Benny didn’t ask, for which Dean was grateful.</p>
<p>(When confronted later Benny would admit that Dean looked like he did whenever his ex Andrea left to go back to Louisiana and said they would never make it as a couple.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this.</p>
<p>Just to make sure none of you see this and are like 'OMG that's a bit of an overreaction', a panic attack, or similar reaction, happens usually after a lot of things stack up in your life so it is not just the Cas thing for Dean here, that was just a last straw type thing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Abyss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>... I feel like a terrible person for writing this.</p>
<p>Enjoy I guess.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things continued that way for the next week; Dean knew that Castiel was waiting for Dean to come to him.  That was how it usually went, Dean fucked up, Castiel waited, and Dean came back with his tail between his legs.  Not that Castiel had never been the cause of an argument, he usually just was somewhat mature about it.</p>
<p>It had happened once before, Dean not going back to Castiel soon enough, that was different though.  They had a huge argument about Dean working at the garage instead of studying.  He didn’t exactly need to work; his mom was an ER nurse and his dad was a crime scene investigator, they were comfortably middle class.</p>
<p>Dean said he would just be a mechanic anyways so he might as well get the experience.</p>
<p>Castiel said Dean could go to college and get out of their hometown.</p>
<p>After Castiel came to see Dean just over a week later they agreed that Dean would cut back on hours a little and focus on school more.  That was at the beginning of junior year; what Castiel didn’t know though, is Dean had applied to colleges and scholarships all over with a good chance of getting some.</p>
<p>But Castiel never came to Dean, not that Dean wanted him to, it would’ve hurt too much to say out loud that they just couldn’t be friends anymore.</p>
<p>And all over a girl.  It wasn’t the way Dean expected things to end, that sounded more along the lines of ‘all over a <i>boy</i>’.</p>
<p>It was a Thursday, the day before the dance, when Dean decided he was ready to be done with what other people thought.</p>
<p>When he woke up that morning he passed over his usually fraying jeans and band t-shirts for a ripped pair of jeans and a graphic t-shirt with a purple and blue flannel overtop.</p>
<p>When he gets to school nothing has changed from the three days preceding this one, but something feels different.  At lunch Dean finds out why.</p>
<p>Since he sat with Benny that day, Dean has spent a lot of time with the people he never really spoke to before everyone believed Anna and the other girls spoke about Dean’s sex-addict/mesoginistic ways.</p>
<p>He sits between Garth and Kevin, Ash was across the table, as was Benny.  A girl named Pamela and Ash’s sister Jo join them as well.  Dean honestly has no idea where Benny fit in with all of these people; but then again no one in this group seemed to fit, whether in or together.</p>
<p>So Dean was just an outlier among other outliers.</p>
<p>At the table Kevin compliments Dean’s shirt and Ash gives him a punch fist for his flannel.  Things are finally looking up.</p>
<p>Then a large group of people walk into the cafeteria.  Dean knows it’s the people getting out of psychology class.  He hates himself for knowing that that means Castiel is in the crowd.</p>
<p>Dean looks over and regrets it.</p>
<p>Right at the front of the group was Castiel; his arm around the shoulders of one Anna Milton.</p>
<p>He looked happy.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, brother,”  Benny said quietly.  That’s when Dean turned back to the table to see all of them giving him concerned looks.</p>
<p>Dean nodded and decided that so long as he could help it, he wasn’t going to look for Castiel in a crowd again.</p>
<p>After that Dean was a ghost at school.  He got there in time to get to class and he left as soon as the bell rang at the end of the day.  During lunch he joined Charlie for D &amp; D in the library, soon joined by Kevin and the rest of his group.</p>
<p>In February, Dean applied for the engineering program at one of the top engineering schools in the country, University of Michigan.  </p>
<p>In March, Anna and Castiel, Dean overhears, go on a four day long trip to Kansas University and to explore Kansas City.</p>
<p>In April, most of Dean’s marks have improved since Dean has been spending most of what used to be his Castiel time studying.  Castiel said Dean could get out of their town, now Dean had the motivation.</p>
<p>In May, Dean gets accepted to UoM, and a scholarship that astonishes him. </p>
<p>In June, Dean attends prom party with his friends.</p>
<p>Dean isn’t unfamiliar with a decent High School party, he’s attended several before, but this is prom and Dean is dateless.</p>
<p>Garth has his girlfriend from the other side of town, Bess.  Benny and Pamela have been hooking up for a few weeks and went together.  Jo had a fellow senior, Victor, ask her.  Ash refused to come on the merits that ‘prom sucks’ which Dean is agreeing with more and more every second.  And Kevin was at Charlies because neither graduate until next year.</p>
<p>Castiel was at prom.  He looked damn good in a fitted suit, even if Anna was practically hanging off of him the whole time.</p>
<p>Anna attended prom party, she attended every other party that happened, but Castiel didn’t.  It brought Dean a fragment of happiness that Castiel hadn’t changed too much in the past five months.</p>
<p>That was until he saw Anna drunkenly swagger over to him.</p>
<p>“Hiya Deeannnnnnnn,”  She slurred, bouncing into the wall beside him.</p>
<p>“What do you want?”  Dean was stone faced as he took a sip from his first beer, he didn’t plan to get drunk but one beer was required to enjoy a party.</p>
<p>“Com’on, be nice.  I bet we can even help each other out…”  Anna trailed off.</p>
<p>Dean looked at her.  “And how is that?”  He asked gruffly.</p>
<p>“Wellllll, I want to have a good time tonight and everyone knows you’d do anything to bed a girl.  So you fuck me, and we both win.”  Dear god she actually sounds sincere and half sobre saying that.</p>
<p>Anna ran a hand down Dean’s arm.</p>
<p>Dean took an angry step back.  “What about Castiel, yanno, you’re <i>boyfriend</i>?”</p>
<p>It hurt Dean to say but if this cheating, drunken bitch was who Castiel chose to be with, then Dean wasn’t going to get in the way.</p>
<p>“He’s not here, so if anything this is his fault,”  Anna snarked.</p>
<p>“Well newsflash,”  Dean said, pushing her hand off on his shoulder, “I don’t like you and you’re with somebody else, so this’ll never happen.”</p>
<p>“I would have thought that me being with him would entice you,”  Anna said thoughtfully.</p>
<p>“What?”  Dean froze.</p>
<p>“Because,”  She pondered, “He has fucked me. So if you fuck me… That is as close as you’ll ever get to the real thing.”</p>
<p>Dean’s heart was racing in his chest and he could hear it in his ears.</p>
<p>“Everyone knows, Dean,”  She looked up at him, looking almost innocent, “Everyone knows that you love him.  It’s just too bad that he doesn’t care.”</p>
<p>Dean wanted to look her in the eye and say that she is wrong; that Castiel doesn’t know.  That he couldn’t because he’s too good of a person to not let Dean down gently.</p>
<p>But how could Castiel not know.  It was obvious to people Dean had only just started hanging out with, and Dean spent almost all of his free time with him.</p>
<p>It didn’t matter though, Castiel was with Anna and that wasn’t changing any time soon.</p>
<p>Dean could fake a smile or a phone call to brush Anna off, but he elected to just walk away.  He kept his face blank as he made his way through the party goers and outside.  He ran into Pamela on the way out and told her to find a new drive home.</p>
<p>His car was down the street, so the miniscule effects that half a beer may have had on his system were mostly gone by the time he reached it.</p>
<p>His mother was still awake when he got home, that’s when he realized that it wasn’t even eleven yet.</p>
<p>She sat up on the couch, putting her romance novel down.  “You’re not supposed to be back until later, did something happen honey?”</p>
<p>Dean eyed the book, knowing she only started reading them after his parents’ divorce was finalized a year ago.</p>
<p>“Dean?”  She asked, and when he didn’t answer she put the book on the coffee table.</p>
<p>“It just hurts Ma,”  Was all he managed.</p>
<p>Mary waited for him to sit on the couch beside her, before wrapping him in a comforting side hug.</p>
<p>Before the party, Dean had intended to talk to Castiel one last time.  A final goodbye; a last last to their friendship, so to speak, before he went off to Michigan.</p>
<p>Now he was pretty dead set on returning to the path of total avoidance.  It worked out well, their last names were so far apart that even in a small class Dean could easily keep distance between them at graduation.</p>
<p>After the ceremony Dean jumped from friend to friend anytime Castiel got too close.  But in the end Castiel cornered him.</p>
<p>“Dean,”  Said a deep voice that still kept him up at night.</p>
<p>Dean refused to turn and see Castiel.</p>
<p>He was closer to Dean now.  “At least look at me,”  Castiel snarked, but Dean stayed in place, “What the Hell De-”</p>
<p>“No,”  Dean interrupted, “I don’t care if we part friends, but I won’t let us part enemies.  So it’s best we stop now.”</p>
<p>Castiel glared at him.  “Why?”</p>
<p>“Goodbye, Castiel.”  Dean quickly made his way back towards his family, telling them he was ready to go home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Welllllllll Anna's a bitch in this one.  I promise it will get less depressing, this is a Destiel fic don't worry.</p>
<p>Sorry for the cliffhanger, my beta wasn't a fan of me only showing her that much either.  Thx Van'ty!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Ground</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is very little plot and a lot of background info.</p>
<p>*Gives chapter*<br/>*Hides*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The summer break after he graduated was the worst of his life.  Worse, even, than the summer he and Sam spent living at a family friend named Missouri’s house so their parents would figure out all of their divorce shit.</p>
<p>Dean, while he often wished he wasn't, was still a millennial, and therefore had both internet and social media.</p>
<p>He was beginning to refer to them as his own personal torture devices.</p>
<p>Castiel had never before been one to post anything personal online, but now his Instagram, Snapchat, and his freaking <i>Facebook</i> were flooded with pictures of him and Anna.</p>
<p>It hurt even more knowing that Castiel avidly avoided such things and Dean knew it was all Anna’s doing.</p>
<p>Anna’s posts were more painful for Dean though.  While Castiel’s were all ‘my girlfriend posted this photo of us’, Anna’s were deliberately extra.</p>
<p>There were all the cutesy photos of dates, the dumb quotes a lot of girls post with a selfie about their ‘Bae’ or god forbit ‘Boo’ that made Dean want to shrivle up and die knowing who they were about, and the pictures of Castiel....</p>
<p>Castiel always looked beautiful in Dean’s opinion, but he couldn’t not give Anna credit for her photography skills, because that girl knew how to take a photo.</p>
<p>There was the selfie she took of them where the lighting made Castiel’s eyes almost glow blue.</p>
<p>There was the one taken from behind Castiel on the balcony of Anna’s mansion, sorry Anna’s house, where his shirt was tighter than normal and you could see every muscle in his back.</p>
<p>There was also the one where Castiel is lit by moonlight and staring into the night sky's expanse of stars; in a place Dean recognised as The Clearing.</p>
<p>That last one was posted in early August before all of the recent grads and whatever other University students returned home left again.  </p>
<p>Dean decided that University would mean a fresh start, whether or not he ever got over Castiel, so he removed both him and Anna from all of his social media.</p>
<p>University was different, a good different, Dean made several friends in his engineering courses and his roommate dropped out after a month so Dean had a dorm to himself.</p>
<p>Time continued on slowly, Dean attended classes and the odd social gathering, but he never really attempted to seriously date.</p>
<p>When his friends asked him about his dating life he just told them that he wasn’t interested in anything serious, at least not for a long time.  They accepted this and never questioned him when Dean said he only dated girls.</p>
<p>There were a few dates, all set ups by his friends that insisted he just needed to get laid.  A girl named Cassie made it as far as making out with him in her apartment before he politely told her that she was great but he wasn’t what she was looking for.</p>
<p>The one night stands were a different story though.</p>
<p>It was a college town; more bars than any other building along main street.  Most Friday nights Dean would go out and find some meaningless hook-up that would be gone before he woke up.</p>
<p>He had rules about it though:</p>
<ol>
<li>No names</li>
<li>Never give the impression of more than sex</li>
<li>NO GUYS</li>
</ol>
<p>The third was probably the most important, because Dean was bi and not ashamed of it what-so-ever, but the thought of doing anything with a guy that wasn’t Castiel kind of made him sick.</p>
<p>No matter how many Dr Sexy’s of Harrison Ford’s there were in the world, Castiel was supposed to be Dean’s first guy.</p>
<p>It was pathetic to stick to that but so long as Dean never did anything with guys, he didn’t think about his ex best friend. </p>
<p>So he buried himself in girls and quick fucks like his high school rumours had become a self fulfilling prophecy.</p>
<p>Dean made good grades in school, even managing to keep the full scholarship he got.  He worked part time at an autoshop after applying everywheres for a job.  He got shitty hours, mostly overnight on weekends because some people’s shitty Honda Civics couldn’t be bothered with during the day.</p>
<p>He talked to Sam a couple times a week, his little brother had forced him to learn how to Skype before Dean left (“Because Facetime is just a phone call with worse quality and blurry camera, Dean.”).  His mother and father on the other hand…</p>
<p>Since the divorce Dean stayed with Mary and Sam had a schedule that flipped him between the two.  Mary kept the house and John had moved several times using whatever money he was draining from Mary to do so.</p>
<p>Dean had been fifteen when his Dad cornered him in the living room (why he wasn’t hidden in his room or out with Castiel like he always was, Dean couldn’t remember)  and told him that he and Dean’s mom were separating and that there was another man in Mary’s life.</p>
<p>Dean left after that, literally within 24 hours he had Sam and walked the two of them down the road to Missouri’s.</p>
<p>That had been early July and he didn’t see or hear from either of his parents until one night he saw Mary at the kitchen table with Missouri and Charlie’s mom.  No one noticed him so he just tiptoed back to what used to Missouri’s son’s room.</p>
<p>Mary is the first to stop drinking; Dean doesn't know if John has yet, but Sam never mentioned it.  Dean eventually starts to take to work some days at the Roadhouse.  He goes for a drive with his Dad one day after John corners him at work; it was awkward and tense and Dean wouldn’t let John say anything until they dropped Sam back off at Missouri's.</p>
<p>After that Dean tells John that he needs to grow up and realize that his entire marriage, and Dean and Sam’s whole lives by extension, was a huge fucking mess.</p>
<p>After that summer, within a week of school starting, Dean moved back into his childhood home with Mary.  The divorce had no winners or losers.  But Dean decided to stay with Mary because he couldn’t ne in the same room with John without either shutting down or trying to help only to be reprimanded for being a damn teenager, and with Mary she was almost never home and could have a civil conversation with Dean without him wanting to smash his head into a wall.</p>
<p>Neither were good options, but he chose the path of least resistance to leaving his home town and hopefully never returning.</p>
<p>After he finished his first year of University he switched to full time at the garage, because his boss had been very impressed with Dean’s knowledge and experience (and Baby, but who isn’t).  Sam and Charlie were driven up to visit for the weekend after Dean’s exam period and Dean’s boss happily let him cut back for that time.</p>
<p>Sam had visited for Christmas but that was five months prior and he hadn’t seen Charlie in almost a year.</p>
<p>That meant he hadn’t seen Castiel in a year either.</p>
<p>He loved Sam and Charlie, they had a great time and Dean enjoyed introducing them to his University friends.  Charlie hit it off especially well with Dorothy, Dean’s fellow muscle car enthusiast even though she drove a motorcycle.</p>
<p>Sam and Charlie left, because school wasn’t over for them until late June and Dean was told he had to attend Charlie’s graduation; like he was planning on missing it.</p>
<p>Going home drug up some old feelings for Dean, so he sat on the floor in the center of his dorm room and made a call to a number no one knows about.</p>
<p>It was back in late October, it was late and he was trying to shut the midterm prep off so he could sleep, when he came across a photo posted by Gabriel, Castiel’s brother who was in the grade below them.  Dean had deleted almost everyone from his school except the few he actually still spoke to, and apparently Gabe snuck through.</p>
<p>It was National Oldest Sibling Day, which Dean already knew because of all of the memes Sam had sent him, and Gabe was clearly using it as a viable excuse to call Castiel old in front of all of his followers.</p>
<p>The post had several photos; one of Gabe, Castiel and their parents, one of Castiel, Dean and each of their younger brothers taken last year on the same day, and one of Castiel and Anna with Castiel holding Anna’s baby brother Samandriel.</p>
<p>It was the final straw, when his brain realized that he couldn’t just run away from his feelings for Castiel and let them just exist solely in his head; he had to actually do something about them.</p>
<p>He called his aunt and old boss Ellen.  She told him that this wouldn’t fix itself and he should think about seeing someone.</p>
<p>His therapist Caitlin, had taken a few months to finally get him to talk, but Dean trusted her and finally opened up about a lot of things he never told anyone else.</p>
<p>What he felt about his childhood, why he needed to protect Sam, what the things other people thought about him made him feel, who he actually wanted to be, and most especially he told her about Castiel.</p>
<p>He had been going to Caitlin for over eight months when time came to return home for Charlie’s graduation.</p>
<p>But there was one thing he forgot…</p>
<p>It was Gabriel’s graduation as well.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I promise there will be Destiel next chapter, I'm just upping the angst.</p>
<p>Thank you to my Beta, Van'ty, even though I cornered you and made you read this lol.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Plateau</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was supposed to be the last one... more plot for you I guess.</p><p>Destiel and fluff are coming, don’t worry.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being back home came with a wide variety of conflicting emotions for Dean.  On one hand, there was familiarity laced with a sort of nostalgia even though he had only been gone a year.  On the other, he felt like a subdued version of himself; like all the parts of himself he had finally been allowed to express, shrunk back behind the wall he had built so long ago.</p><p>Caitlin and him had talked about that not long into their sessions.  Dean had felt like he had to be a certain person because of how and where he grew up.</p><p>That is to say small town midwest meant he had certain expectations for him because of his gender; therefore he had to uphold a certain level of strength and could in no way shape or form be gay.  And his parents’ shitty marriage forced him to grow up pretty young to not only take care of himself, but also Sammy, so he never did seemingly childish things after that.</p><p>Not to mention the fact that this place was anti-change to the extent that everyone expected eighteen-year-old-Dean to be a slightly older, but still identical version of eight-year-old-Dean.</p><p>Boys like Dean don’t like books, nerdy games, or other boys; so Dean didn’t either.</p><p>Dean was staying at a motel in town.  One of exactly one, in the town.  Sam had said that even if Dean stayed at his old house for the few days he was in town it was unlikely he would see Mary because she was spending most of her weekends with the father of someone in the grade below Sam.</p><p>Either way, Dean figured that a zero percent chance of interacting with her was better than a small chance.</p><p>Dean drove the twelve hour drive back to Kansas in one day, with only one stop for gas and burgers about halfway, before landing at the motel and promptly passing out.  The next day was the day before Charlie’s actual graduation so she was sleeping in after safe grad the night before.  Sam stopped by early in the day, which is to say at noon because Dean was the earlier riser and not him, to go out for lunch.</p><p>Sam almost had a heart attack when Dean ordered a grilled chicken sandwich.  Dean then had to explain that when he lived at Mary’s he basically just let her cook (order out) whatever she pleased and said he liked it to avoid the pointed questions regarding what wasn’t perfect about her cooking.</p><p>Once Dean started living on his own he started to branch out his selection of foods.  He soon proved to be an excellent cook and baker; much to the enjoyment of all of his friends.</p><p>His meals, while based off of a strict budget, were always healthy and well balanced.</p><p>Charlie joined them soon after they finished eating to drive around town and just catch up on the little things that never got discussed over weekly phone calls or sporadic text messages.</p><p>Dean drove them in the Impala even though Charlie had her Gremlin and Sam had just gotten his learners permit the month prior.</p><p>Mary had acquired the Impala from John in the divorce, Dean didn’t know how and he honestly didn’t want to know, and never used it.  It was given to Dean when he got his full licence and he immediately took it to a mechanic to fix it up.  The mechanic there, Bobby, decided it would be best for everyone involved if he just taught Dean how to take care of the car himself and Dean happily agreed.</p><p>The drive around town, much like arriving there, was an odd mix of happy memories and troubled ones.</p><p>His home town was small; if you drove straight through main street you would cover almost the whole thing.  One school, no stoplights, and a couple of half assed restaurants that no one actually enjoyed going to. </p><p>Except that Chinese take-out place; damn they have some good chicken balls.</p><p>Soon the day was over; Charlie drove home and Dean dropped Sam back off at their mother’s.  It wasn’t a bad day, but something in the air was making Dean’s skins crawl, and he was really looking forward to leaving as soon as possible.</p><p>He originally planned to leave two mornings from now, but tomorrow after Charlie’s get together/party was sounding more and more appealing by the second.</p><p>He spent an hour going over some math work before he actually goes to sleep; it’s an upgrade course because he never actually did calcular back in= high school.  Fuck knows how he managed to get into an engineering program, but then again a lot of his classmates are just moronic.</p><p>Morning comes too fast; Charlie walks at eleven, so she wants to be there at half past ten.  Dean’s awake at nine anyways and based on the multiple unanswered texts to his brother and pseudo sister, they are not.</p><p>Dean decided to go visit the mom-and-pop breakfast shop him and Castiel used to spend Saturday mornings, back before things fell out.</p><p>It’s on the warmer side outside and the breakfast shop doesn’t seem to have heating or air conditioning, but Dean doesn’t mind.</p><p>“I ain’t seen you ‘round here in a while boy,”  Called Lorette, the owner.</p><p>Dean smiled at the old woman.  “Went to University, Ma’am.”</p><p>“Well sit down Boy, lord knows they don’t feed you in those places,”  Lorette laughed, and went to put together his usual order.  Eight years of coming here and ordering the same thing mean people like Lorette remember it.</p><p>Dean was seated, one of the regulars chatted with him for a minute before she excused herself with a smile and a quick laugh.</p><p>Dean watched after the woman, before he turned towards the main door to the shop.</p><p>There was Castiel.</p><p>Sweet, nerdy, trenchcoat wearing Castiel.</p><p>Dean and him made eye contact.  Castiel froze in the door, Dean’s breath caught in his throat, before he grabbed at his phone and wallet.</p><p>Dean was out the side door of the shop before he could even remember Lorette’s bacon.</p><p>He was distracted and off kilter when he picked Sam up to go to the ceremony; they were meeting Charlie and her mom there.</p><p>Dean’s grip on the wheel of the Impala was white-knuckled when Sam finally blurted out, “Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?  You’ve been acting pissy all morning.”</p><p>He steadied the Impala with a fractionally looser grip.  “It’s not a big deal, Sammy.”</p><p>When Dean parked the car he attempted to get out, but Sam apparently decided their conversation was not over.  “Dean, tell me what happened.”</p><p>Dean looked over to his brother and immediately realized that was a mistake.  Sam was fixing with his signature puppy dog eyes and Dean couldn’t not tell him now.  “Ran into Castiel,”  He muttered, ashamedly.</p><p>“You what?”  Sam gaped at him.</p><p>“Ran into Castiel this morning, over at Lorette’s.”  Dean looked away from his brother, unwilling to be forced to look at the sad face Sam followed him around with two Januarys ago.</p><p>“Umm, “  Sam was wide-eyed when Dean looked back at him, “What will- what are you going to do about it?”</p><p>Dean opened his door.  “I’m going to Charlie’s graduation, then her party thing.  Thank I’m heading away from this freaking town.”</p><p>“Dean,”  Sam got out of the car after his brother, “Are you sure man, I mean you and Cas used to be-”</p><p>“That’s enough, Sammy,”  Dean cut off.</p><p>Sam, thankfully, didn’t bring it up again throughout the ceremony.  Dean sat back and watched as Charlie, along with the entire grade below Dean that he could barely name any of, walked across the stage.</p><p>As they went there were announcements for what scholarships they got and where they were going to University or college.  There were some surprises, Becky Rosen got a scholarship for writing short stories, some people didn’t surprise him, Kevin Tran aced every AP class and that one class on reading ancient script, and some people just failed, like Rafael Grace whose achievements included, and are limited to, passing seven whole classes (His Dad pays for most of  the football budget).</p><p>At Charlie’s after party it’s a lot of adults Dean has memories of and knows a lot of them by name.  A couple of Charlie’s friends from the school a town over are there because their graduation isn’t for a couple of days.</p><p>Most of the food consisted of platters and trays of finger foods and sweets, which Dean tried a bite of each.  The party started to wind down at about three, most of Charlie’s family was from Wichita and needed to drive back that night so they were the first to leave.</p><p>Dean was drying the dishes in the kitchen, Charlie and Sam cleaning the living room, and their moms were out back tidying the yard back up, when the front door opened again.  Dean didn’t hear it at first but he heard Charlie’s enthusiastic, “Hey, Bitches!”</p><p>Sound doesn’t travel well through the wall between the kitchen and living so Dean continues to dry the sink full of dishes knowing that someone would yell for him if he was wanted.</p><p>A few minutes pass before footsteps finally approach the kitchen.  Dean looks up when the cabinet door beside him is swung shut.</p><p>His voice catches in his throat when Castiel says, in his perfect gravelly voice, “Hello, Dean.”</p><p>Unable to form words properly, Dean nods.  He stared into the eyes of his old friend, unable to look anywhere except the eyes Dean prayed to <i>look</i> at him, just once.</p><p>“I think you and I need to talk.”  </p><p>Dean nodded again, solemnly this time.  He knew Sam was right, good or bad, this conversation between the two of them did need to happen.  “Okay,”  Was all he could manage with a noticeable hitch in his voice.</p><p>Castiel mimicked Dean’s nod; Dean struggled to read the expression on his face, he used to be the only one that could but Castiel seemed to have improved his passiveness.</p><p>Castiel walked out of the kitchen purposefully, as if expecting Dean to follow him (Dean did) and down the hallway.  They exited Charlie’s house through the side door, avoiding interaction with anyone either inside or out of the house.</p><p>Dean noticed Gabe’s Purple ‘69 Volkswagen Beetle, but Castiel’s Pimpmobile was no wheres nearby.  Dean’s (ex) friend pulled open the door to his Impala and sat down in the passenger seat.</p><p>No words were spoken as Dean drove.  He didn’t have to mention where he was going once he took the turn off of Main Street towards The Clearing.</p><p>Dean also didn’t vocalize the fact that the emptiness that had been in his Baby for the past year and a half suddenly went away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed and thanks to Van’ty for betaing. </p><p>Random fact: I’m uploading this from my phone in a McDonalds over an hour away from my house...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Liftoff</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Damn, sorry to anyone reading this as I post, it's been a week since I posted this... oops.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean cut Baby’s engine with a snap of his wrist.</p>
<p>The lack of sound from the car only serving to make the silence more deafening.</p>
<p>Without properly consulting his brain, Dean stepped out of the car.</p>
<p>Charlie’s party ran past supper time, but it was still summer and the sun wouldn’t be setting until nearly nine so it was still relatively bright outside.</p>
<p>That didn’t stop the chills Dean was feeling; though those may have nothing to do with the current temperature.</p>
<p>He had maneuvered his way to leaning against the grill of his Baby by the time Castiel exited the car.</p>
<p>The soft sound of the door closing reverberating through the surrounding trees.  It was soft because, other than Dean himself, Castiel was the only one who understood what Baby meant to Dean.</p>
<p>A symbol of his parents’ shitty marriage finally ending.</p>
<p>The freedom it gave to him.</p>
<p>And the place he was sitting when he realized how utterly and completely in love with his best friend he was.</p>
<p>Yeah, Castiel doesn’t exactly know that last one.</p>
<p>“Hello, Dean,”  Castiel said again, because he always says it.  Or he always used to say it.</p>
<p>Castiel was sitting on the hood of the Impala, just like he was that day.  He wasn’t wearing his trenchcoat, he hadn’t been that day either, but he had khakis and a plain t-shirt that stretched across his shoulders in ways Dean would not let himself think about.</p>
<p>It still hurt though, to see Castiel beside him like this.  As if Dean could erase that one day, that one conversation, and everything would go back to how it was before.</p>
<p>Seeming to realize he was getting no response from Dean, Castiel spoke up again, “I would like to know why, I believe that I deserve as much.”</p>
<p>Dean cringed as Castiel’s usually assured voice was small, almost as if Castiel was scared to ask.</p>
<p>Making sure Castiel hadn’t caught him staring (something Dean had perfected over time), Dean looked away before asking, “Why do you want to know?”  He hadn’t meant it to be so accusative, and even if he knew Castiel, though he suspected he hadn’t as well as he thought, he couldn’t be sure what direction this was going.</p>
<p>“Because the person I considered to be my best friend just up and abandoned me one day,”  Castiel turned towards him with a cold look in his eyes that had never before been directed at Dean, “Because I accepted a date from a kind hearted girl who was actually interested in me.”</p>
<p><i>Kind.</i>  The word sliced through several of Dean’s heart strings at once.</p>
<p>“You may not have realized this Dean, but there weren’t exactly people lining up to date, or even befriend, the kid who doesn’t enjoy being around large groups or talking about other people’s personal lives.”</p>
<p>“Um,”  Dean couldn’t force the words out of himself.  <i>’You had me.’</i></p>
<p>Castiel’s voice seemed even more fragile when he said, “I told you that thinking you’d be happy for me.  I was going to ask if I could invite her to game night at Charlie’s, just to see if she got along with all of you before it got serious.  You were always telling me that I should try dating someone.”</p>
<p>Dean had done that, many times; it was his favorite deflection technique.</p>
<p>“I didn’t mean <i>her</i>,” He gritted out after a tense pause.</p>
<p>“I hardly see the issue you have with her Dean.  She’s smart, funny, beautiful, and quite amiable, I hardly see any glaring flaws there.”  Castiel gave him a look somewheres between perplexion and annoyance.  “She may not seem like the type of girl to be interested in me, but she was always kind.”</p>
<p>“Kind?”  Dean asked, a trace of anger slipping into his tone, “Is that what you call trying to socially exile someone from their entire grade.”  He lagged darkly.</p>
<p>Dean refused to turn back towards Castiel, but he could almost hear the head tilt when he asked, “What are you talking about?”</p>
<p>“The playboy rumors, the cheating rumors, the pregnancy rumors, the nonconsensual rumors.”  Dean blinked the tears threatening his eyes before asking, “Would you like me to continue, ‘cause I don’t think I can even name them all.”</p>
<p>“Are you saying that it was Anna that started those rumors about you?”</p>
<p>Fuck, Castiel sounded mad.  Why did Dean forget that you never tell some guy that his girlfriends a piece of shit, that’s rule number one of something.</p>
<p>“Why did you not say anything?”  The anger was less prominent now, replaced by a decent amount of sadness.</p>
<p>Dean turned back towards Castiel.  “You knew before you started dating her, why would it make a difference afterwards.”</p>
<p>“Actually I didn’t,”  Dean blinked at the low growl of Castiel’s already deep voice, “You told me about the rumors being false but you were too self sacrificing to even hint at who actually started them.”</p>
<p>“I, uh.”  Dean blanked; surely he told Castiel that it was Anna.  He told him everything; well except that one thing, but that didn’t matter.  The sincere look on Castiel’s face made him finally ask, “So you had no idea?”</p>
<p>“Not one,”  Castiel took a miniscule step closer, “Had I known I never would have spoken to her, let alone dated her.”</p>
<p>“Cas…”  Dean failed to notice the slip up, “I’m sorry.  Look, you should just forget that you even know about this, it happened a long time ago don’t let a stupid high school decision affect your relationship now.”</p>
<p>The blue eyed man gaped at Dean.  “You want me to just go back to her and pretend none of this ever happened?  Go back to not speaking with you?”  Dean nodded awkwardly, that is what he was telling him to do.  “Well I have no intentions of letting that happen,”  He said stubbornly.</p>
<p>Dean squinted at him.  “What- Why, huh?”</p>
<p>The shorter man took another step forward before continuing, “Anna and I, when I first told you about us, we were barely a thing.  We hung out after school for a while one day when most of the debate team went home sick and she asked me to the winter dance.”</p>
<p>“But you…?”  Dean tried.</p>
<p>“Started to hang around her after my best friend pushed me away completely?  Yes I did, because it wasn’t just you Dean.  Sam stopped speaking to me, and Charlie only would because she’s Charlie and would have a conversation with anyone.  Plus the debate team members, several of which you turned to afterwards, were some of the only people left in the school that I spoke to.”</p>
<p>Dean should have realized that he was leaving him high and dry in the toxic environment of a public high school.  He was such a shitty-</p>
<p><i>You did the best you could at the time,</i> said a voice in the back of his mind that sounded a little too much like Caitlin.</p>
<p>“So yes, I started hanging out with Anna and her friends more, but the two of us were never serious.  We were just teens trying to get through high school.”</p>
<p>Dean swallowed audibly.  “But the two of you are still-”</p>
<p>“We broke up back in August, we knew we weren’t going to make it at separate schools and we knew it was best if we didn’t force something that already wasn’t going to work.”  Cas was now in front of Dean, close enough that Dean was starting to question if they were already touching.  “Which leaves me with the question: why did you never say anything?”</p>
<p>It was now or never.  Dean couldn’t really <i>lose</i> his friendship now, they hadn’t spoken in a year in a half.  All that was on the line was a chance to be together once again; whether that was as friends or boyfriends.</p>
<p>Something about the glint in the other boy’s eye and their close proximity lead Dean to say, “It would have been too obvious.”  Dean resisted the urge to get rid of the last few inches between their lips, “If I had told you then why I didn’t want you to date her, or if I was around you while you did… It would have been fairly obvious what difficulties I was having with the situation.”</p>
<p>There’s a long pause and all Dean wants to do is run, or maybe yell, but he can’t do either because his friend/ex-friend, whichever, is right there boxing him into the Impala like this isn’t a fantasy Dean had once… a week.</p>
<p>“Dean, would you like to know why I started dating in the first place when I had never shown an interest before?”  Dean ducked his head and nodded bashfully; he was terrified about what was about to be said, but he couldn’t help the trace of hope welling up inside of him.  “I started to develop strong feelings for someone but I didn’t understand exactly what they were until it was too late, so I started to hang around the one other person that made me feel a fraction of that same feeling.”  Cas was whispering the words into Dean’s ear, and how the fuck were they not touching yet?</p>
<p>“Until I lost the friendship I was subconsciously trying to protect,”  Cas pulled away, clearly realizing that they were closer than was stricting socially acceptable,  “I didn’t know what I felt until I lost you Dean.”</p>
<p>
  <i>Screw social etiquette.</i>
</p>
<p>Dean pulled himself forwards so he was no longer leaning against the Impala.  Face to face he had a couple inches on Cas, but he angled his head down so they could look each other in the eyes.</p>
<p>Cas’ beautiful freaking <i>blue</i> eyes were wide as Dean placed a hand lightly on his jaw.  “So you’re saying,”  Dean whispered as they were less than inches apart, “That if I kissed you right now, you’d kiss back?”</p>
<p>Dean never did get a response to the question.  Cas’ breath hitched and his eyes grew impossibly wider before the two shared their first (hopefully of many) kisses.  Dean’s not sure who initiated it, but it didn’t really matter because it was happening.</p>
<p>Eventually Dean pulled back, his heart shattered at the crushed look on Cas’ face.  He pressed one more quick kiss to Cas’ lips before saying, “I want this Cas, believe me I do.  But I want to do it right.”</p>
<p>“What are you saying Dean?”</p>
<p>“Go on a date with me, it doesn’t have to be anything we haven’t done before but I want us to go into this properly.  I want this to work and for that I think we need to redefine the things that we used to do as just friends.”</p>
<p>Cas smiled at him while also giving Dean the I-am-analyzing-you face.  “Okay,”  He agreed.</p>
<p>Dean’s face broke out into a grin and he couldn’t help but lean forward and capture Cas’ lips again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I personally have read a lot of fics where a lot of things go wrong and then the ship gets together and all is right, so I am hoping to not do that.</p>
<p>If you don't like how this went down, please tell me why.  I am here to improve my writing and hopefully bring some feelings to someone's life.  And I spent a lot of time trying to make the reasoning realistic instead of people overreacting like happens on tv and such things, I think it make logical sense.</p>
<p>Thank you to Van'ty for reading this after you went to sleep lol.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Soaring</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the end, but it's okay-ly written I think lol.</p>
<p>What I think is fluffy and hopefully sweet.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean dropped Cas back off at his house about an hour later, it could have easily been more, but Dean was serious about going about this the right way so he forced himself away from Cas’ beautiful face.</p>
<p>When he landed back in his motel room the processing part of his brain started to kick back up again.</p>
<p>Cas liked him back.</p>
<p>He just made out with Cas.</p>
<p>For an <i>hour</i>.</p>
<p>The climax of this train of thought was Dean pulling out his phone and calling Caitlin in a blur minded state.</p>
<p>“<i>Hey Dean, is everything alright?  It’s after eight,</i>”  Caitlin said after picking up.</p>
<p>He had told Caitlin, in excessive detail, what he had been feeling regarding coming home, why he stayed in Michigan for the summer, and what he thought about running into different people back at home, before he even got the proper invite to Charlie’s graduation.</p>
<p>“Sorry about that,”  Dean said, to which Caitlin made a dismissive noise, “It’s just that I- I sorta ran into Cas today.”</p>
<p>She perked up at that.  “And how did that go?”</p>
<p>Dean smiled to himself, letting the memories, from just minutes ago, of Cas against him as Dean held and kissed the boy he had wanted for years.</p>
<p>“Well I actually think you’ll like this one,”  Dean began.  He started at the beginning, seeing Cas at Lorette’s and promptly sprinting out the door; Caitlin hadn’t been happy about that part but Dean insisted that it got better.</p>
<p>Dean walked her through that night's events in a way that basically tricked his own brain into actually processing and showing whatever emotions had been building up inside of him.  He still felt the urge to snap his jaw shut and insist that he could deal with whatever was happening by himself, but he resisted.</p>
<p>He knew it would be a while before he could display his emotions in the proper way, smiling naturally with a side of no yearly breakdowns, but he was trying and starting to succeed.</p>
<p>“Then he was just right in front of me, and I don’t really know if he knows this, but it's really freaking intimidating sometimes.”  Dean smiled, because Cas never actually <i>scared</i> him, making Dean one of only a few.</p>
<p>“What did you do next?”  He smirked, knowing that to some degree Caitlin was waiting for him to say that he yelled at or dismissed Cas, or worse, just shut down his emotions completely.  She would never actually say any of those things out loud, but Dean had considered doing all of them an hour prior, but only for as long as it took for him to brush the thought aside.</p>
<p>“We kissed,”  Dean said smugly, “It was awesome.”</p>
<p>The call lasted maybe another twenty minutes, they talked through Dean’s thought process in The Clearing and what was going to happen the following day.  Caitlin confirmed that Dean was still good for his appointment in five days, that he made prior to the trip, and they said their goodbyes.</p>
<p>Dean woke up the next day and threatened the small wall clock that read <b>7:09</b> for not being five hours later.  He got off the phone with Caitlin at about nine the night before and had to force himself to focus on something other than calling Cas, whose number he never unmemorized or deleted, just so they could be close.</p>
<p>He regretted not having the date an immediate thing for the entire four hours before he could feasibly try to go to sleep.</p>
<p>He and Cas texted though never anything deep, they just skirted the whole dating/not-dating thing until they were in person once again.</p>
<p>For those four tortuous hours?  Yeah, that’s about the first time he’s been happy with doing math homework, if only just to pass the time.</p>
<p>He went out for an actual breakfast during morning hours with Sam and Charlie soon after getting up.  It was Charlie that had to wake the sleeping sasquatch- sorry <i>bear</i> though, he would’ve just thrown things at his brother until Sam woke up had it been him.</p>
<p>Eventually Sam and Charlie said their goodbye to him before leaving the diner; they still thought he was pointing the Impala to Michigan like he said he was going to.</p>
<p>Neither of them brought up Cas and Dean disappearing, and never returning, the night before.  But Dean didn’t either, he wanted his chance for him and Cas to figure things out on their own before they needed to deal with others being involved.</p>
<p>By the time Dean was back at his motel room and had exhausted every possible means of entertainment, it was only eleven.  Still an hour to go.</p>
<p>He gave in almost instantly, texting Cas and begging (though those texts would be deleted off of both of their phones as soon as possible) for him to come by sooner.</p>
<p>Cas arrived minutes after Dean sent the text, he didn’t even text Dean back so he was busy being overly concerned that Cas who always immediately responds to text, didn’t reply, when the knocking came on the door.</p>
<p>He chose to ignore it and continue to stare at his phone with rising amounts of anxiety before the knocking came again, followed by an annoyed, “Dean.”</p>
<p>Dean jumped as was opening the door as soon as he was able to run all the processors in his brain in the right order.</p>
<p>With the door open wide between them, Cas stepped inside.  Dean shut the door as Cas slowly turned around to give the room an approving once over.</p>
<p>When he turned fully back towards Dean their eyes locked, each of them took a step forward before they were on each other.</p>
<p>There were no desperate kisses or frantic peeling off of clothes like you might read about, just a bone crushing hug.  It was an understanding between the two of them, hugs were their thing; their way of showing each other what they couldn’t say out loud.  Both in the past and now.</p>
<p>All they needed in that moment was to be close, to be holding the other, knowing they were real and they were actually there.</p>
<p>The rest of the date (Dean didn’t flush every time he reminded himself that that’s what this is) was, very similar to all of the times they used to hang out, overall.</p>
<p>There were a few notable exceptions though.  When they laid on the Queen sized bed beside each other, Cas moved to be as close to Dean as humanly possible.  When Dean would move, at all and in any minute amount, he would brush his hand up Cas’ arm or kiss him on the cheek when he went to (illegally) put the popcorn in the microwave.</p>
<p>After the movie was finished, neither made a move except to shut the TV off.</p>
<p>“Cas?”  Dean asked, after he had stared into vibrant blue eyes for twice as long as he’d ever allowed himself to before.</p>
<p>“Yes Dean?”  Cas shifted so that the two were facing whilst seated on the bed.</p>
<p>Dean paused for a moment before answering, a habit he developed a long time ago so he could see Cas tilt his head to the side in question.  “I- I want this to work so bad man, I’ve been wanting this for longer than I care to admit,”  Dean took a deep breath, “But it’s been a year and a half, and I don’t even know where you’re going to school!”</p>
<p>Screw his own brain for shooting him in the foot.  Like it always does.</p>
<p>Cas, however, didn’t waver.  “Are you willing to try, or would you prefer us go back to being just friends.”  Dean’s eyes widened and he shook his head vehemently, trying to get across the point that ‘just friends’ was far from what he wanted.  “Okay, then.  I want this to work as well.  I am attending a University in Indiana.”</p>
<p>Dean froze.  At most Cas was a five hour drive from him.  “So,”  Dean asked cautiously, “What happens from here?”</p>
<p>Texting.  So much texting.</p>
<p>They decided to take a necessary step back in their friendship to establish their new relationship.  After Dean went back to Michigan they continued to text all day everyday and called or facetimed each other most nights.  They even made weekend trips to see each other because Cas was staying in Indiana for an internship over the summer.</p>
<p>After a month they made it ‘official’ in the means that Dean could actually call Cas his boyfriend.  And say ‘I love you”, that happened a few months after that when they were alone in Dean’s apartment one night.</p>
<p>That is not to say that their relationship was without difficulties.  The Anna fiasco lasted as a barrier in their relationship until Dean finally gave in and dragged Cas to one of his, now-less-than- monthly, sessions with Caitlin.</p>
<p>That wasn’t the last time they faced her together, but it was always a preventative step rather than the solution to a problem, because as good as Dean is at ignoring his emotions, Cas was just as good at not realizing he was having any.</p>
<p>Things got less easy when classes started again, but they made it work.</p>
<p>Sam and Charlie were finally informed of their relationship when Sam visited them over Thanksgiving long weekend.  Truly, Dean and Cas had talked about telling them sooner but they decided to figure it out after Dean started dropping hints about seeing someone and bringing Cas up more and more.</p>
<p>Sam had the pleasure (displeasure, according to the younger Winchester) of actually walking in on them during a heated make out session where Dean had actually been caught with his hand down Cas’ pants.  In fairness to them, Sam had run into Dean’s roommate who told him in no uncertain terms that Dean had someone in his apartment and for Sam to not do anything dumb; like just walk in without knocking.</p>
<p>There Sam’s request for several bottles of brain bleach, Charlie’s angry phone call (for not telling her), and the package Dean made Cas open from Gabriel (that none of them would ever speak of again), but other than that their relationship continued on as normal.</p>
<p>Two years after Charlie’s, Sam had his graduation.  This landed Dean, and by extension Cas, back in their hometown.</p>
<p>This time, however, Dean’s emotions were less mixed.  He had Cas beside him, a large part of what was missing last time, and he was finally at peace with a large portion of the thing from his childhood that lingered with him.</p>
<p>Dean never pretended that he had any inclination towards seeing Mary again and John had left town months prior with no notice; he didn’t care that much though.  He still viewed them as his parents in a biological sense, but Cas’ parents and his boss Bobby were more parental then either of them ever have.  He was okay with that.</p>
<p>They held a party for Sam, it was also at Charlie’s, but Dean and Cas stayed as long as the rest of the guests for dipping out.  Sam knew what Dean was doing and didn’t mind if he left a party Sam didn’t even want to have, a few minutes early.</p>
<p>Dean dragged his boyfriend outside and towards the Impala. Cas was used to Dean randomly doing things like this so all he did was put the mixtape Dean made for him into the cassette player.</p>
<p>They made it to The Clearing before actual communication was made between them, and even then it was of the silent variety.  The two of them were suspiciously good at communicating in their own language of light touches and barely noticeable facial expressions according to others.</p>
<p>Dean indicated for Cas to get out and stand in front of Baby.  Dean went and stood in front of him, boxing his boyfriend against the grill much like Cas had done two years previously, and gave him a short, sweet kiss.</p>
<p>“Cas,”  Dean started, it was soft and in the voice he only used late at night while telling Cas how much he loved him.  “Three years ago, we stood here and that was one of the worst days of my life,”  Cas tried to look away, but Dean lightly used his hand to guide Cas’ face back towards his own, “But two years ago was one of the best.  Both of them are important to me, to us, because they’re a part of our story.  So I want to add today to that list as well.”</p>
<p>Dean took a step back before sinking to one knee.  “Castiel, my angel, will you marry me?”  Cas didn’t answer in words, but he dropped in front of Dean and kissed him passionately.</p>
<p>And yeah, maybe a few years ago saying that Dean had a crush on his best friend was the biggest understatement ever, but now it was even further from the truth.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks Van'ty for Betaing even though I always ask when you're trying to go to sleep.</p>
<p>I'm just going to ask this, because I'm going to do it until some one does it, if you have any critiques <i>please</i> leave them down below.</p>
<p>On the other hand, kudos always make me feel happy!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to my lovely beta Vant'y and I apologize for having you read it before I finished the whole thing.  And 'you little seahorse' is not a good insult.</p>
<p>This is mostly written and should all be up soon.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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